Pardoe’s Perspective: The American Experiment
© Culpeper TimesTo: Queen Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas Queen, Defender of the Faith
I am writing you at this time to ask your grace if you would be willing to reconsider reclaiming your former colonies of the United States of America, as well as those territories this nation has expanded to.
I’m not sure if you’ve been following events here in your former colonial holdings, but it has become clear that we cannot govern ourselves. Our “experimentation” with our elected form of government has produced a fractured political system that is completely dysfunctional. Our politicians actually get paid to create crises that imperil the world economy – just to make a point to each other. Our president has proven adept at finger pointing but lacking in any other leadership qualities. Left on our own, we are more divided than we were during our civil war.
We’re implementing a bastardized form of socialized medicine that we didn’t even bother to read before voting it into law. Don’t even get me started on Benghazi...
The American “Bastion of Democracy” is slowly becoming more socialist each year, with the hard working people supporting those that aren’t/can’t/won’t work. Our education system has become some sort of food distribution system, which makes no sense at all. Worse yet, we are so lazy, we are going to keep on putting these defective politicians that got us into this mess back in office at election time.
In short, your majesty, apparently we are incapable of leading ourselves. It is time for us to come home.
I realize my request is a bit embarrassing for both of us. I mean, after that whole revolution of 1776, and over two centuries of strutting ourselves about like cocks of the walk. If your grace would consider taking us back into the British Empire it sure would help us out.
I think most Americans would go along with this reunification. After all, as long as you didn’t cut off our supply of fast food and the keep the Kardashians on TV, and keep the welfare money flowing, our citizens will go along and probably not even notice the change. Both of our flags are red, white, and blue which is cosmetically convenient.
Naming our nation might be a problem, but fortunately a lot of our citizens don’t read. One of my buddies suggested “Westros” from Game of Thrones, but that’s just because our education system is so bad, he thinks that the show is a documentary of the history of the UK. Another friend at work suggested you call us “South Canada,” but I leave the final decision in your good graces.
Your grandchildren are very popular here already, mostly because we no longer have a functioning news media and that’s all they cover about Great Britain. We have David Beckham here – so if you agree to my offer, you get him back as part of the deal! The White House could easily be converted into a palace for you. The present occupant has been treating it that way for the last few years anyway.
Downtown Abbey is popular and I myself am a Dr. Who fan, which should help with the transition of government. If you could have Daniel Craig make the announcement about the change of government, most Americans would watch—eventually – on YouTube.
In reviewing images of Parliament, I noticed that some of your leaders wear wigs. I have no problem with your legislators doing that. You could make them wear clown costumes for all I care. In fact, that may be more appropriate in light of recent behavior.
You have socialized medicine already in your realm, and while it’s not perfect, you have more experience at it than we do, so maybe that will help. Don’t worry about our Constitution, we don’t use our copy much anyway. Our spy agencies could benefit from your MI-6. Our experience in the last few years has been concentrated on spying on our own people, but I’m sure with your inspirational leadership, we could learn to concentrate on our enemies.
I wish I could make this offer sound more appealing than it is. Let’s just say that the Great American Experiment is over (we had a good run) and go back to being colonies. Our government is as bloated and sloth-like as many of our citizens. Clearly we are no longer able to lead ourselves.
If you do not accept this offer, I guess we’ll just have to vote ALL of the bastards out of office That’s something we’ve never been good at.
I anxiously await your reply.